CS-04 — reverse1999

Square One

TO BE CONTINUED...

Iglika	She was right. By the end of that night we'd lost over half our men, and the enemy was clearly prepared to return.
Nusha	We'll fall back to Thermaniky.
Iglika	On my knees in that snow and mud, stained black by fire and red with blood, Nusha spoke words that filled me with shame—at that moment I was sure I wanted vengeance.
Iglika	Thermaniky, "a rich and beautiful city," at least by the standards of the time. Whenever I think back to it, I can still see the sunlight glinting off the sea.
Iglika	I think it must have been at dusk.
Port City
Iglika	Now I know. It really is dusk.
Iglika perches on a roof beam, staring out toward the glittering sea. The winter sun leaves the water languid and tranquil, almost like it was made of ice.
She pulls the belt from her pocket; it is a travesty of bloodstains and dirt. But she can't force herself to wash it.
Iglika	I remember you said you'd like to visit "once we've won the war," but you didn't win, did you, Gabriela?
It was December 30th by the Julian calendar when Nusha brought what remained of their troops into the city.

Nusha disappeared; she said it was to report to "headquarters," though the notion they had been a part of any formal army confused her.
She was left alone in the backstreets, watching countless unfamiliar faces pass below her perch.
???	Iglika! Iglika!
Iglika	I thought for a while that she must have run away, but two days later I heard her voice again.
Nusha looks rougher than she had before but nonetheless energetic as she rushes toward her.
Nusha	Iglika! Iglika!
Iglika	She was like some wild woman clutching a fat rabbit; only her catch seemed to be a stack of rolled-up documents.
Nusha	We're not beaten yet!
The words barely leave her lips before she begins to stumble and collapse.

Iglika	While she rested in a hospital, I was tasked to begin recruitment.
Iglika	She directed me to a "station," though it soon became clear it was far from anything I expected.
Iglika	I began to understand this organization was more secretive than I knew.
She finds herself in a church, surrounded by young men and women, no older than her. Some are younger. None of them look ready.
Solemn oaths are sworn, and the choosing begins.
Brave Male Guerrilla	You, you, and you...
The chosen march proudly behind him, mimicking the older soldier's steely and grim expression.
He leads them to a corner of the underground chamber, a spot where they can look out over the others, with a strange and dark sense of hostility.
Another steps up, her demeanor entirely different, though no less joyless as she begins her selection.
Nonchalant Female Guerrilla	Arcanists, step forward.
Several of the young recruits obey. She quizzes each one about their arcane skills, then takes her pick from them.
Other commanders whisper and then, one by one, claim more recruits.
The numbers dwindle. Those left to be chosen stand awkwardly in the widening space.
Iglika	...
In the silence, two of the elders presiding over the recruitment trade glances. One walks up to Iglika.
Old Man	Which unit do you represent?
Iglika	Nusha.
Old Man	I see. These are your recruits then, girl. They'll make fine soldiers, every one.
He beckons the shy youths forward.
Iglika	No...
Iglika steps back, refusing to meet their eyes.
Iglika	These weren't soldiers. They were the walking dead.
Iglika	We weren't marching to war or glory. Just to our graves.
Iglika	To blood-soaked snow and charred ruins.
Iglika	I'm not Nusha. I couldn't take their lives into my hands. I couldn't bear their deaths.
The elders falter at her rejection.
Iglika	This was just a trick. From the very beginning she's dragged me deeper into this mire.
Iglika	So, I would find myself bound to them, just like I was before... to make me care so that I might throw my own life away for them.
Iglika	Fine, I will.

???	The rest of these recruits are mine.
She turns to face the doorway, where Nusha stands steadying herself against the frame.
Nusha	For our homeland.
Iglika	Nusha.
Nusha	Come in.

Iglika	These are the files you wanted.
Nusha	Good work.
Iglika lays down the thick stack of papers but doesn't leave.
Nusha	What is it?
Iglika studies the woman. Calm, steady. Too calm—it only fuels her anger.
Iglika	Why did you send me there?
Nusha	I needed someone I could trust, that's all.
Iglika	That's not it. I'm not going to be like you.
Nusha	What are you talking about?
Iglika	You think I don't see it?
Iglika	You wanted me to get attached. So that I'd carry their lives with me, just like you do.
Iglika	Because now... now...
She sees a thousand stitches running from body to body, a homunculus of corpses wearing her seams.
Their quirks, their rambling words, their dreams, their homes.
Nusha	Are you scared?
Iglika	Scared?
Iglika lets out a scornful snort, then frowns at her own anger.
Nusha	What is it you're resisting?
Iglika	...
Iglika	If I took any lesson from her, it was cutting straight to the point.
Iglika	Will I have to stitch myself together before you're satisfied?
She takes a step back, avoiding her captain's sharp glare.
Iglika	I am afraid. Is that enough? I don't want to start over; I don't want to lose everything again.
Iglika	I doubt I'll ever be able to feel warm on a Christmas morning again.
Iglika	Each body we found, each one sapped some warmth from me that I think I might never find again.
Iglika	And now we just do it all again?
Iglika	With kids—stupid kids that think war is a game. They have no idea what's waiting for them.
Iglika draws in a deep breath and looks up at Nusha.
It feels as though she's begging for their lives before an angry god.
Iglika	Are you willing to watch them die?
For a moment, a flicker of pity passes through Nusha's eyes, but it sinks back into the dark of her brow.
Nusha	They chose to join us, and there's no one else willing to fight.
Iglika	I won't watch them die.
Iglika rises abruptly.
Nusha	Blame me if you like, but you want this too, Iglika.
Nusha	You told me then that you wanted to do your part. You chose to remember them—to avenge them.
Iglika finds herself at a loss for words. She slides down against the table leg until she's seated on the floor.
Her pocket bulges with that red belt, drooping with her against the ground.
Nusha	You will keep remembering them, and you'll soon remember more. You'll leave your mark on new bodies to keep them fighting.
Nusha	Tell me, do you really want to leave? Or did you come looking for the excuse you needed to stay?
Iglika buries her head in her arms. Tears drip into the dust.
Iglika	I'm just afraid. Because...
Iglika	I want to train with the recruits... I want to...

Iglika	I won't bleed for them! I protected that tavern keeper, and what did I get?!

Iglika	I put others' lives before my own... I want revenge...
Iglika	I want to protect them.
Nusha	Then you will.

Iglika	Just like Nusha said, I remembered more and more people—but this time I saw their faces first.
Iglika	That made each loss even more vivid.
Iglika	I kept wishing I could mend that red belt, so I started wrestling with her old needle and thread.
Iglika	I guess I ended up with a knack for stitching of more than one kind. Eventually word got around. Until one day a shy recruit asked me to repair a hole in their pants.
Iglika	I unpicked the stitches and patched it up, no different than if it had been an arm or a leg.
Iglika	In that moment, I finally understood Gabriela.

From winter to summer, another kind of stitching began to spread across the recruits.
Something that brought people together in trust.
Iglika	They left far better scars than the other kind.